Things are starting to get blurry. My mouth is the driest it’s ever been. It’s hard to imagine what it will be like in five days, hell, if I even.. make it that long.
Lay in bed. Watch life happen from your window. Sleep with a pile of a magazines instead of a person because magazines can’t forget to call you back the next day. Hold your cell phone limply in your hand with your head in the pillows. Feel a combination of excitement and dread when somebody texts you. Leave me alone slash NEVER STOP. You know what I’m talking about.
Become the unreliable friend. Let people know implicitly that they need to minimize their expectations to avoid being disappointed. You will do things when you want to do them. You will show up when you want to show up. You can’t handle any responsibility right now. Please respect the fact that you’re a terrible person right now.
Show up to work in a zombielike state. Do the bare minimum of work so people don’t necessarily worry about you. They just think you’re lazy. Mimic healthy happy people. Maybe that will throw people off your true scent. Maybe if you attend a potluck and bring egg salad, people will write you off as someone who has their shit together.
See things you’re not supposed to, like an ex’s Facebook page. An old diary. Wince at the photos, wince at the images, and decide that you would look at them again.
Ignore those who know you best because those are the people who won’t let you get away with anything. Those are the people who will force you to be accountable and demand that you tell them what’s wrong with you.
It gets harder and harder to disappear from your life. When you were a teenager, it was easy to check out from reality, but today is different. Today your life is formed; it has been built. When you decide to go, you are leaving behind a series of questions. You are leaving a mess that you will eventually have to clean up.
But if you really want to disappear, you will find a way. People always do. You can’t make someone participate in a life they didn’t want to begin with. They have to do it for themselves. They have to want to fix their life rather than ruin it. And you know something? Not everybody wants to fix it. Not everybody wants to have redemption. Some people are just content to waste away. We’re taught differently. We’re taught that everybody wants the best life they could possibly have. But I’m here to tell you that that’s not true. I’m here to tell you that everybody doesn’t want or get their happy ending. You’d like them to because it makes things simpler for you, it puts your mind at ease. But you forget that all of this isn’t for you. It’s for them. TC Mark"